Loss and Lightening Up

This morning, I spoke to a group of recently widowed women. When I walked into the group, I saw someone I knew. We had moved her several years ago and she lost her husband unexpectedly. She was blindsided and she said that three ½ years later she had still not recovered. I am no expert on grief. But I remember when I lost my father and felt like I was walking around in a fog. It was six months in, and I asked a friend who is a hospice nurse why I still felt groggy and out of sorts and she said, “That’s grief. Everyone deals with loss differently.” I cannot imagine the pain these women are feeling but I can speak to what I know, and it is the feeling of changing your surroundings to make your home feel like your sanctuary and bringing order and peace to what may now be clutter and disorganization.

There are many presentations in my repertoire, some as long as 90 minutes and I even have a 10 minute one when asked to do a quick overview. This one required a new way of looking at what we do. In about every presentation, I mention life’s four most stressful events and moving is on the list. At the top of that list is losing a loved one. So addressing those dealing with stress so great and grief so blinding, I felt I needed to go about this differently. I am not sure I accomplished what I had set out to do but I shared it from the heart. The topic was to be downsizing but I called the presentation “Lightening Up and Letting Go.”

We talked about memories being tied to senses that evoke emotions. When you hear a song, it brings you back to a specific time and place. When you look at a souvenir on a shelf, you remember who you were with when you bought it, where you were and when. You recall the happiness and freedom you felt at that moment, and you want to hang on to that feeling. The memory and the feeling are not in the item; both are in the mind and heart.

And many people do not want to part with things that were given to them because they feel they are being disloyal somehow to the giver. So much emotion connected to the belongings. Your loved one would understand that it is time to part with your abundance to move to the next chapter, whatever that is: lightening up a cluttered home or letting go of items to move to a new home that may be smaller.

So:

What is your hope? Relocate or simplify? What is your timeline?

What are the items you cannot live without? What priority items bring you comfort and connection?

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Break this arduous but gratifying work into small sessions.

Can you use colored tape or dots to identify what areas you have processed and move forward?

Can you find joy in the process? Gift items while living. Tell the stories that go with the items. Donate knowing others will enjoy what you have enjoyed. Use the items you have saved for a special occasion. Drink out of the crystal. Eat off the china.

You are not alone. You are surrounded by friends, family members and always by professionals who are here to help. As I have said before, your belongings should not be the obstacles that keep you from the next chapter of your life. You can decide when you are ready to lighten up and let go and you will be supported, if needed.